Fine, we'll go straight there.

347: never leave your safe home in the suburbs. its safest place you can be.

348) If you get the urge to yell because you saw something out the corner of your eye, then do cause it was probably me. PYRO!! :)

349. Don't stand by the football players. Usually they're next.

350. Pick the nerd, you're most likely to survive, and they're not that bad once you get to know them. Besides, they've usually done their homework on how to kill said horror.

351. If you manage to find a good bludgeon or any other good weapon, DO NOT throw it away after you use it. You WILL need it later.

352. NEVER ever pick up hitch hickers on deserted rural roads, especially if you live in texas.

353. NEVER start crying/whinning when the monster or villan has you cornered, it wastes precious time that you could use to fight back and the monster or villian does not really give a damn about your life anyway.

354. Never ask a vampire if he'd like to stay for dinner.

355. If you hear weird music start to play run like hell.

356. If you answer the phone and hear someone breathing heavy on the other end, never assume it is your boyfriend playing a trick on you. And never never, never, say "come on over, my parents are gone for the weekend."

357. Fnd a city before dark. Never turn off down a nice looking dirt road.

358. When shark hunting, it is always a good idea to have any underwater power lines marked out on your map.

359. If you are a woman your chances of survival are much much better if you are a good woman. To be a good woman you must
A. Be a natural blond. Blondes with visable roots are the food of choice of 9 out of 10 aliens
B. Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty scientist, preferably the world's leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs. You can dramatically increase your chances of survival at this point by following in your father's footsteps and becoming the world's second best leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs.
C. Refrain from wearing makeup, in particular red lipstick or nail polish. This is catnip to monsters
D. If it is too late to become a virgin, become frigid and make sure people know about it. The no makeup thing can be a big help here.
E. Be in love with the bad scientist, at least for the first part of the movie BUT at all costs switch allegiances to the good scientist the second the bad scientist begins to mutate.
F. Wear a rip away blouse and learn to faint gracefully. You will be called on to do this alot.
G. Hang around next to the bad woman a lot. It will make you look pure.

360. Bad women have only the slimmest hope for survival. Cast jealousy aside and buddy right up to the good woman. Be ready to squash the bad scientist like a bug the second his fortunes turn. Loyalty here is misplaced, he doesn't respect you anyway.

361. If you are from another planet and of royal blood, abdicate fast. Intergallactic Empresses almost always end up with a face full of acid and a bad attitude. Even the princesses end up as mind slaves to giant insects. This is especially true of royalty whose names end in a vowel. Change your name to Mary Lou and leave the planet.

362. Man or woman, if you have a kid brother with a cute name and freckles, lose him. Especiallly if he spends a lot of time looking at things through a telescope. Eventually he is going to go into the abandoned mine shaft and everybody is going to expect you to follow.

363. When your loved one is infected/assimilated/zombified/possessed or whatever and someone grabs your arm and says 'It's too late for her/him' BELIEVE THEM! Shoot the former human and get the hell away from there!

364. Always listen to the crazy man warning you something bad is going to happen, because he's probably right!

365. When on the way to camp, you stumble across an old man carrying eyballs, and claiming he is a messenger from god, get back in the car and go back in the direction you came from.

366. If ANYONE says they are are messenger from God, listen to them, because they usually are.

367. If you stumble across the body of a dead friend, do not go looking for the rest of your friends, because they're probably dead too.

368. If you can find any of your friends, leave immediately.

369. When someone tells you not to look behind you, don't!

370. Never go mano-a-mano vs. any monster which lacks a discernable head or limbs, or can infect you with something.

371. Never be funnier than the main character.

372. Always use the buddy system. Also, make sure that your buddy is slower, weaker, or dumber than you are.

373. NEVER eat/drink ANYTHING brought forth for a weird ceremony.

374. NEVER make it obvious that you did not eat/drink anything brought forth for the weird ceremony.

375. Don't be a belligerent drunk. They have a nasty habit of getting left behind by the group and wandering to a deserted room (= deathtrap) to sulk.

376. When investigating a house or place shunned by the whispering townsfolk, don't try on the clothes in the trunk in the attic, don't look in the mirrors, and don't read the diaries.

377. If the barber remarks on the "666" tattoo your buzzcut kid now has, abandon the kid and move to Irkutsk.

378. Remember, the priest will NEVER make it to your domicile to relieve you of those pesky supernatural occurrences. Whether by plane, train, auto, horse, donkey, bus, or afoot, he'll never ever make it to your doorstep alive (unless he's secretly in league with Satan).

379. Never walk backwards!

380. If you are travelling through a wasteland and the locals advise you to go no further that night, DON'T!

381. Do not poke strange steaming rocks with sticks.

382. If you rise from the dead, you'd better learn to like human flesh, 'cause you're gonna eat some.

383. Don't run through the woods wearing high heels, as most of the time one of the heels will break.

384. If, at any point, you are running from a monster/ villian in a car/truck/etc... don't ever run straight on the road. Zig Zag, run off the road, do a U-Turn, what ever! It's faster than you, and will catch up.

385. If you see a burly man wearing a hockey mask and toting a hachete/chainsaw/axe/electronic-brain-sucker-thingy, DO NOT stick around to see if he's with the Philadelphia Flyers.

386. Never, never, NEVER try to remove the mask from the 'dead' villian. He'll just get up again, and this time he's gonna be pissed.

387. When going down the basement stairs, (You will... you ARE in a horror film, right?) always send your little brother/ sister/grandpa/grandma down first; this'll tell you if something's hiding under the steps.

388. If you are a wuss and run away from one confrontation with the serial killer/demon/spirit/slavering-beast, you WILL die later on in the film. This is guaranteed.

389. Above all, remember this: your friends, family, and enemies, they are all expendable.

390. If you are running desperately away from a big boogy monster in the woods.
A. He's going to pop up in front of you
B. You're going to trip on something and end up on your butt just before something cleaves your head from your shoulders...
C. You're going to die anyhow... so why not try running backwards.

391. If the D**m power suddenly shuts off. Don't go try to fix the generator.

392. Learn Karate, Well...at least no one has tried to roundkick Jason yet...

393. Sudden and loud noises coming from the tool shed are generally bad, don't be a smart ass and go check it out.

394. If you have a cat, give it away. The stupid thing is only going to get trapped in a locked cabinet or closet somehow and scare the living bejeezus out of you when you open it. This, of course, sets you up to be killed the instant you leave the room. Buy a goldfish instead.

395. If you plan to lose your virginity at summer camp or while a psycho killer is on the loose, well, at least you'll die happy.

396. If you are battling the bad guy and suddenly find yourself fighting a loved one (dead or alive), kill them immediately. Do not think that by divine intervention, that the bad guy is whisked away to hell and, for your efforts, is replaced by your dead mother, father, etc... Its a trick, just kill them.

397. Kill everyone you see. If one is posessed, assume all are posessed. Its easier that way. Besides, the whining cousin will only slow you down anyways. Kill them all and let God sort them out. If he's as perfect as we believe, he'll forgive you.

398. Don't be a lurker. Lurkers creep in the shadows, watching people make out. They are always the first to go.

399. No matter how much you're tempted to, no matter how much you want to, DO NOT go skinny dipping.

400. When realizing there are over 10 dead people in the woods, don't lock yourself in a deserted house in which the phone lines are cut.

401. If you are in a car, the engine stalls, and a murderer is on the loose, you have a 99% chance of dying.

402. If you happen to run into a house with the monster behind you and lock the door, DON'T stand near the door!

403. Never buy your kids a doll that talks.

404. NEVER say to your friends: "Whatever you do, don't say _____," and say the magic word that invokes the evil spirit.

405. Contrary to popular belief, most demons are not helpful and/or loyal.

406. Be resourceful. Whoever came up with the idea of putting holy water in a water gun must have memorized every episode of "Maguyver".

407. When you're in a group, sleep in shifts. When you're alone, drink a LOT of coffee.

408. Bruce Campbell knows how to fight alien Praying Mantises.

409. If it tastes like chicken, don't ask for seconds.

410. Never visit doctors with last names that imply insanity, death, or evil... no matter how highly recommended they come.

411. If somebody tells you he's from the future, believe him unquestionably.

412. Never announce openly that you're not afraid, you don't believe, or that you're fully prepared. You're just asking for it.

413. Try hard to recall any strange dreams you may have recently had. They will inevitably come into play at some point.

414. Never try to trick your friends into believing that YOU are the monster. If the real monster doesn't kill you, your friends will.

415. If you ever come across the phone number of an organization designed to help with a particular sort of monster, write it down and put it in a safe place.

416. Stay indoors on the night of a full moon.

417. After hearing the first news report of a bizarre murder victim found drained of all blood, leave town IMMEDIATELY!

418. In archaology class, stay home for the unit on local folklore.

419. Don't succomb to peer pressure, even when they're passing around the bottle. Remember, Just Say No to human blood.

420. Get as much information as you can about the previous tenants of your new home before you move in. It'll just save you aggrevation in the long run.

421. Do your community a favor and torch the local occult bookstore. They're usually more trouble than they're worth.

422. If the garden pests grow to immense proportions, kill hamsters, scream loudly, or lunge, move away! THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR FOR GARDEN PESTS!

423. If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, no explanation needed.

424. Don't open the door.

425. The less equipped you are to survive the movie, the better.

426. Never do anything morally wrong (pre-marital sex, drugs, making fun of the hero/heroine, etc...)

427. Never go off by yourself to sulk.

428. The monster will never attack until you are aware of it. Often, it will even wait for you to become scared of it.

429. If you are a jerk, kill yourself. Save yourself and others a lot of pain.

430. Never attempt to investigate the horror stories of a small town, no matter how certain you are that they are false. They are true and you will die if you go.

431. Never say, "It's over", "It's dead", or "I killed it".

432. Curiosity kills.

433. Don't take off any clothes.

434. If you "have a bad feeling about this" go with it, and leave.

435. Don't bother to warn anybody about the monster, they won't believe you anyway.

436. Don't buy antiques from strange magic stores. While it won't do what the owner tells you it will do, it does do SOMETHING.

437. Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.

438. If you ever pull the plug on a scientist's experiment, he will go mad and do the experiment anyways, with the intention of slaughtering you and all of your loved ones.

439. If you get a strange phone call, get out of the house. It's coming from the next room.

440. If you have the unfortunate luck to appear in an Italian zombie film, just stand around and wait for them to get you. What the heck, you're lunch no matter what happens.

441. Never pretend to be or make fun of the local "deceased" or "imprisoned" psychopath. For some reason, he tends to go after you first.

442. If you do impersonate the killer, never leave his trademark mask lying around. Guaranteed, you will not be the next one to wear it, but that face will at least look familiar when you die.

443. If you are a friend of someone who impersonated the killer as a joke and then someone apparently is trying the same gag again, run. Don't look for your friend either, mourn him later on.

444. The monster is never dead until everyone else is!

445. If a demon tells you he'll let you go if you help him, don't listen. The guy who helps the demons always dies. DEMONS ALWAYS LIE.

446. Don't let anyone out of your sight. The guy who goes off alone always gets either killed or possessed.

447. If the strange drifter carrying an ancient key tells you that you are safe inside, listen to him. The demons, zombies, psychos, etc. always get inside because of the guy who thinks he knows what he is doing. Stop him at all costs.

448. If you think you just killed the monster, don't touch it. That is the easiest way to die. Always empty several rounds into it before assuming it is dead.

449. If you aren't the main character, then listen to what he/she says. For the most part the main character survives.

450. Always refer to a chainsaw as often as possible.

451. A shotgun is your favorite weapon(above any blade ripping weapon[refer to 450]), but 8 round pump actions can be
interrupted while load so take the shot don't be eaten.

452. Being a zombie or troll is fun take advatage of pretending to be "one of them."

Yeah, for now.

Arit